best-case
She is my closest friend, not just one time close but still is….helplessly trying to convince herself or maybe me but mainly the one we two have always feared of becoming… of something…
Something too gross to just close your eyes and do it,
Too utterly waterish to smile and go on with your goofing,
So she looks at me in the eyes and says: ‘you just don’t know, your case is different”
And something in me is wrenched…asking her since when I have become a ‘case’ to her ….since when I had become a ‘case’ for many…like I am one individual with conditions…like people we used to call them cases, nicknamed by horrible conditions lost their edges for us not for them, and telling them in ‘your condition’….
I can’t stand it for myself, neither could I, for all those people we used to call them cases, be it a terminal one….
There is always something to do for a person, a cold shower…a cup of coffee….a loving caress…a good book to read…having a good cry
Something not to cure but to sooth…
In my case, one shouldn’t suspend her being “her case” ever! …be particular in your own cases mates!! Stick to your being yourself
NO..it's not OK!
Conflict-avoiding, problem burying, feelings protecting whatever psychology one might bring for this damn thing of telling fibs, lies, white lies, half-truths, stretched truth, whoppers, newly acceptable or even admirable social skill of lying through teeth….
I’m still bloody horrible, not the least any better at recovering or forgiving if discover I’ve been lied to…
How come we’re so emotionally and intellectually evolved to go to shrinks and grow up on a diet of self-help books, through with our soul searching and have done our partner checklist ready and waiting…?
So that’s probably why you shouldn’t really blame someone for lying to score a few more ticks in the right boxes!!!!!!!
Well…ta but not with me, too blatantly banal
Prodigies
School girl cliché that I was, my fancied life wasn’t that impossible to live up to…or rather seems so now after being over it…
Compared with everything else around, anything a bit special and off you go…mushy
Many things gave me ideas about who I was where in truth I was nothing much, not yet…not even later…bleh I could write my IDEAS…yeah I had ideas to share!!
The same feeling of lonesomeness comes along every time I see people from the past…those presumably heroes, those I could have been given the right circumstances, living the right lives…instead of the confusing mundane one I ended up in…those I should look at their faces and think yes you are as fabulous as I should have been hence sorry I don’t reckon this even a tiny bit…
Most of the time I look at them and feel like giving myself a long pat on the shoulder, for what I have avoided so far to become hasn’t appealed me even after this long, but then probably those people likewise wouldn’t need anyone like me to envy them, they think they can do much better than me!!
While at it…how awkward is to hit onto your one time love after years?
Something in human nature always loves to see them screw up! But the creepiest is seeing them and couldn’t tell how they used to be or couldn’t tell how yourself used to be or worse still how it used to be being together…with knowing the worst of all is yet to come!!
I have cloned myself into a revised genetic signature of a failed heroine in eyes of many and when my dad asked me with typical concern about why am I taking those pills assuming they should either be antidepressants or the pill or me hiding my morbid disease from them…I came up with no better answer than: to relieve my menstrual pain……and he came up with no better reaction than striding away!
A nobody girl
****
Why is that everyone writes about a "somebody" who is another person’s somebody?!
The truth is that we are all damn boring and bored by others…so don’t you ever feel guilty about sharing boring trivia with others… just like I did!
p.s: I’m not this nobody girl I’m just a hell of an impersonator…
p.s: the idea of this all came to me by this awesome girl ...
hushh...
Not talking anymore,
As if I’m scared of being asked …
then I have to stir stuff, you know to come up with an answer …& might figure I’m not where I wanted to….& so another bout of limbo….& the laying outs…hopes rising…and the highs of rise…and the lows always to follow…and then….
No I’ve taken my turn to listen
white flakes
cold misty snow on top of mountain,
ice cold,
a mug of hot chocolate & my pinkish swollen hands....
gosh I'm cracking with joy
-Imagine being in love with a woman!
-Imagine being in love with a man!
-Imagine being in love…..
happy-go-lucky
I asked them what their priorities in life were
as expected buncha common drags came up
-career
-education
-money
-family
-......& I was already lapsed when one of them asked about mine so I just uttered from my oblivious subconscious...
happiness'
( i know it's pretty corny and all that, i know it's a process and not just onething but then mind you I was acting as the teacher to some frenzied Med students already delusioned about what big life is waiting for them out there)
so it seemed a big surprise...
aren't you happy already?!!!!"
so I went like another ummmm and ahhhhhh telling what i meant is general and how depression is a BIG issue afterall,
and for heaven's sake here is the third counrty in the world's students' suicide ranking (after china& India) and hello! just look at youngsters in here and how depressed and disillusioned they are or am I again lost in time& space and here aint Tehran?! and is seeking for happiness such a remote idea for people in here...or have you guys been so desensitized even to yearn for happiness....or has it got anything to do with being loaded and priviliged to flashier lives waiting for them abroad...and i know i havent been back to here that long but then somethings are never changing....
& i better shut myself up with a big grin of Ms jim-dandy!!
conviction
I can be one big god of conviction…
convincing others of how wrong I truly can be for them!!
And then acting up to my convictions…
All about me...
Curriculum vitae, job applications, interviews, personal ads, blind dates,
new best friends,Catching ups with exes, forms….
Well I’m not sure if they stand Exactly the same positions or ranks but….
I just hate the guts of them all…
The ephemera of thirty years of my life, the minutiae of my days and who I am, all those things that had once touched me or saddened me,
the best and worst …the whole blunder of who I’ve been……allllllllllll
Condensed in a snapshot and taken as the bottommost care of another abridged individual ….
We’ve had mastered the art of minifying others …innit?
coffee break.....no sugar plz
My life at the fag end of twenty wasn’t exactly sugared with him…
I just didn’t see the point of me…
I did coffee those days, just like now…and damn it felt it wasn’t only the coffee that’s been ground down…so we two( me& coffee) had this common vibe between us(!) and yeah I guess that’s why it’s now MY thing!!!
I was this one big bitch or else I felt so for that matter…always demanding always feeling not being fancied enough blah blah
When it suddenly came to me, hang on who else am I supposed to ask from when I need support or when I’m down?! Calling the local Chinese for one big hug?!
So one of those days when I was overhearing this conversation inside my head of how awful, big headed difficult I was… suddenly the icing of the cake yet to come dawned on me….
And yeah I said to myself sack him and stick to yourself mate,
Even if that means you might end up skipping cakes with your coffee!!!
Sack them all
My long time buddy Ms melancholy (I bet it’s a she!) seems to gradually let go of me…
Odd…
Possible whys…
I don’t nurse private doubts about “having it all” (you know job, sunshine, love, nice hair, adrenalin, chocolate) while juggling figures, spaghetti hoops (official brand for desperate bum cook like myself), popping bubbles (e.g. internet, crushes or absence of them!) and how fast the employment roundabout seems to spin these days!
But of course you can forget about life (if you haven’t done this already) and do you really need all that aggression and competition?
You think I can’t buy that kind of lifestyle these days? as of course buying it has always been the only way to get it….
The only difference is I know too well how much it costs….
These days??
heh I'm just mumbling my way through questions....
I ummm & ahhhhh...get all sluggish,
the way I express myself you gotta be with me for ages before getting a sense of what i'm saying
but never mind...
Nothing....
just
fluff & stuff...
